My Struggle With Food and How I'm Letting Go

I want to be someone who never thinks about herself, who doesn’t obsess over what I did or didn’t eat that day, who lets it go when I make a “mistake” with food.  I am convicted to live apart from the world on this issue.  There are hundreds of diet plans, exercise regimens, tips and recipes and rules, “good” food and “bad” food and clean food and superfood, pills and shakes and surgeries, self-help books, websites, Facebook posts, articles, magazines, blogs, and a neighbor’s two cents about how to lose weight, burn fat, balance your macros, stave off your cravings, change your thinking, your waistline, your metabolism, your habits, burn more calories, shape your thighs, hips, and buns, to make you feel like you are in control and on the path to a better you.

None of these are “bad.” But for me, none are good either. All of them, for me, tend to control ME, and I rarely am able to stick to any of them.  Oh, I’ve demonstrated amazing self-control in my life.  For six months I stuck to 800 calories a day while working at a fitness studio and teaching classes as well as working out on my own.  I got down below 100 pounds and less than 10% body fat.  I looked terrible and I felt worse.

I’ve never had a weight problem.  I am not a yo-yo dieter.  For the most part, I consistently eat a decently healthy diet, but I love sweets, especially ice cream, and I drink way too much Diet Dr Pepper.  I have exercised regularly since high school, and I will exercise for as long as I’m able, hopefully the rest of my life.  

So why have I obsessed over food and body image for over 20 years?  

There are a million reasons why.  Psychology would dig deep and find issues in my childhood, predispositions, losses in life, and personality type that all lead toward anxiety that chose to manifest itself as an eating disorder and an obsession with self.  Likewise, I have responded in a million different ways. As aforementioned, I have exhibited relentless self-control through limiting food intake and over-exercising.  When I couldn’t do this any longer (I knew I was hurting my body), I let go for a while, but the tendencies would never go away.

Since then, I have tried counting calories again, though allowing myself a healthy 1200 instead of 800, I have taken probiotics (good for anyone’s gut regardless of weight), I have tried no-sugar and the Keto diet, along with Keto supplements.  But it’s really not about my weight at all. As I said earlier, I have NEVER had a weight problem.  

It’s about the obsession. It’s about constant fear of gaining weight.  It’s about horrible guilt when I feel I’ve overeaten or eaten the wrong things. It’s about shame for how little self-control I must have.  It’s about thinking “I could look so good if I just…”

See, it’s really not about food at all.  Never has been.  It’s about perfection that I can NEVER achieve.  It just so happened that my body became the catalyst through which I have consistently tried to find perfection because my food intake and exercise was something I could control.  I cannot control how people feel about me (this has been a hard lesson to learn), and I cannot control the fact that I WILL make mistakes in my job, as a wife, as a mother (though I really hate that fact).  But my body, if I just show enough restraint, follow a few rules – whatever those may be at the time – I can control my body and maintain my identity, a part of which is my thin frame.  I am terrified of losing that.

So for 20+ years I have struggled.  Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, sometimes to the point of thinking I’d rather die than face it another day.  As I have grown in my relationship to the Lord, I have seen glimpses of what freedom in Christ is like.  I’ve been there, just for a moment, but never for very long because inevitably I walk through normal life and feel the pressure start to build again.  

The problem is, food is there every day confronting me.  It’s not like alcohol that you can live without and will be much better off living without.  I have to eat.  What’s more, I like to eat.  For that moment, it numbs the anxiety and brings me pleasure.  But nine times out of ten the moment I’m done eating I feel some level of guilt for what I ate, even if it falls in the realm of “healthy.”

What to do.  My Christian self, the self that identifies with the Holy Spirit, knows to give this to God.  But what the heck does that even mean?  What does that look like?  Oh, I have said countless times, “Lord, take this,” or “Lord, I give this to You,” but I didn’t really.  I didn’t trust Him to care about my body like I do.  I didn’t trust Him to let me stay skinny.  For some reason I think He wants me fat just to teach me a lesson.  I’ve never written those words.  They sound foolish.  But they are the truth, at least to my sinful self.

It is so clear to me that there is a constant battle in my spirit for ownership.  Paul talks about it in Romans chapter 7.  Verses 22 & 23 say this: “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

That’s what I feel like, a prisoner.

But Paul goes on to say, “Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (vs 24 & 25).

So how can I be rescued? I would LOVE to be rescued…wouldn’t I?

I have heard the Lord speaking to me in His subtle way; I know it is Him.  God will not take this from me (2 Corinthians 12:8), but I can give it up to Him.  Wait – haven’t I already said that He can take it?!  A thousand times, but each time I pick it back up again.  Because bottom line I.  Haven’t.  Trusted. God.  I want control.

I believe I have wrestled with this issue for 20+ years always with my Father showing His grace and mercy, leading me and loving me and still working through me because “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).  One of the things He has shown me in the past few weeks is that He does not work only when I am listening or seeking.  He doesn’t need me for Him to work in my life.  God is always at work for His purpose, for my good, for His glory.  Always. 

Second, God has told me to stop trying and just to rest in Him. Memorizing scripture, Bible study, reading books – that’s all great, but I don’t have to do any of that for God to love me.  I want to come to God because I want to, not out of obligation.  And that will happen organically when I understand, really understand, the depth of His love for me.

Third, God has reminded me that I was born a sinner same as everyone else.  That there is nothing good in me and never has been.  Isaiah 64:6 tells us that “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags,” and Romans 3:10 says, “There is no one righteous, not even one.”  My soul apart from the redemption that came from Jesus Christ is as black as soot, and not one good deed I do has any bearing whatsoever on my salvation. None.  And in that is freedom.  In that is the reminder that for once in my life I do not have to achieve anything to receive the greatest gift in the world.  

You see, God works in me to bring me closer to Him.  Only the Holy Spirit can reveal truth to me.  I am totally dependent on the Spirit, and again, that brings freedom. At the same time, God always gives me a choice: will I hang on to this or will I let it go?  

I am reminded of a meme I once saw of a child with a small teddy bear standing across from Jesus. Jesus is asking the child to give up the teddy bear, but of course the child wants to cling desperately to her bear. What she doesn’t know is that Jesus is holding a GIGANTIC teddy bear behind his back, ready to give it to her if she will just give up the little one.  God doesn’t play games with us; that’s not the point of the meme.  The point is that so often we cling like crazy to something because it’s all we know and it feels secure.  And to give it up feels like we are going to suffer a major loss and heartache, when in reality, what God gives in its place is far beyond anything we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21).  But it’s hard because we can’t see it clearly.  Our vision is cloudy at best for the things of eternity (1 Corinthians 13:12).  So we hold on to the things of this world even when they are making us miserable. And almost always it’s because we don’t really trust God with them.  We’re not sure what He will do, and to give something up means it is out of our control.

So I must come to the end of myself.  I must come to the place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, where I say, “Ok, I cannot do it.  I have exhausted all of my ideas and resources to conquer this obsession and nothing works.”  Nothing of this earth will ever work.  Not even things that seem very good and healthy and proven.  Because even if something earthly is very good, it is still earthly.  God’s way is always the best way.  Always.

Trouble is, I don’t know what “God’s way” is with this eating/body image thing.  I have tried like crazy to figure it out.  I’ve looked at scripture on food and self and I’ve tried to discipline my mind and look at food differently and get my thoughts off of myself.  I’ve tried. I cannot do it successfully, so again I feel shame and defeat, like I am a lost cause who will always struggle with this issue.  It’s the thorn in my side, I have decided.

But when I think about that, I find that I don’t believe God wants me to live this way.  Jesus came to give life, life to the FULL (John 10:10). He came to set us free (Galatians 5:1), and the life I have lived has NOT been a life of freedom.  

There is not a formula. There is not a solution, per se. There is nothing I can do, which is exactly what God has wanted me to discover.  I am hopeless, helpless, weak.  And that is exactly where God wants me to be.  Because it is only when we admit how completely hopeless we really are that God can begin to heal us.  It’s not a game of “if/then.”  God doesn’t play games.  He has always been there, knowing that I had to come to the end of myself, and waiting for however long that took.  It’s the only way to freedom.  

How am I different this time around?  I can’t explain it exactly.  But here is what I know: if I try to control my body like I have in the past I will not succeed.  There is NO solution on this earth that will bring me the freedom I so desire.  And the moment I try to slip into an earthly solution I will fall on my face yet again.  I may have to offer myself up to God one thousand times before it “sticks,” because inevitably the world will continue to go on around me shouting messages of hope and healing that seem right and good, but for me, they are not. God works differently in different people because He created us with different personalities and learning styles and tendencies.  But one thing that is the same for everyone is that God’s way is best.  His Word never changes, not for anyone, and His character is constant as well.  Which means He can be trusted in every single tiny little area of our lives (see Psalm 139). 

I don’t write this with the agenda to de-bunk whatever diet or exercise plan has worked for you, if it TRULY has worked for you.  And when I say worked, I mean not just made you achieve a physical goal, but has given you a freedom and a peace that you did not have before.  God may have orchestrated an answer for you that looks a little different than the answer for me because we are different people.  I only know what God is telling me, and that is to completely turn away from the ways of this world, not just regarding food, but regarding entire ways of thinking, and live in the Spirit.  “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

Practically, what does this mean?  I need more than spiritual-sounding words.  How can I put this into practice?  

First off, I can fill my brain with scripture.  No matter what, I know that when I’m reading scripture I am doing something good for my soul, filling myself with truth.  And I must know the Truth if I want to fight the battle (Ephesians 6:14). Second, I can limit exposure to pictures/videos that cause me to examine my own body and feel guilty or anxious. This means being careful with social media posts as well as TV shows, commercials, movies, magazine articles, fitness ads, anything that turns my mind to a dark place of wishing I looked like that and feeling like I need to lose weight.  This is just something I need to do.  Third, to come to God every single day and lay myself down again and again, multiple times a day if needed.  My brain is so used to these pathways I’ve created.  I am praying for God to heal my brain.  I cannot do it.  It’s not about trying, it’s about resting.  What God keeps showing me is that it’s not about doing, it’s about being.  And for most Western culture Christians, that just doesn’t compute.  In a society hyper-focused on actions, we find it counter-intuitive to just sit with God.  Let Him hold you.  Wallow in His love.  You cannot leave the presence of God unchanged.  It’s the work of the Holy Spirit, not you.  

So I write this knowing that there is freedom.  And it’s not in a program or a way of thinking.  It’s in complete surrender.  A concept which can seem so abstract it can drive you crazy.  We analytical thinkers seek black and white answers, and “surrender” seems more gray.  Reality?  I believe the answer is incredibly simple.  So simple in fact that we have immense trouble accepting it because nothing in life can be as simple as “give it up.”  There must be something more to do, right?  In Matthew 18:3 Jesus tells us to change and become like little children. As a child, I accepted truth at face value, I had little self-awareness, I believed in big things and simple answers. Now as an adult, Jesus asks me to believe without question again.  “Give it to me,” he says.  “Give me that little teddy bear you are grasping onto so tightly.”  

I believe when I surrender – a fully conscious decision that I can visualize – the Holy Spirit opens my eyes to true freedom.  I know the truth; question is, will I accept it?  It requires coming to terms with the fact that I am a sinner through and through, I cannot save myself in any capacity, and only my Father in heaven can save me.  Sounds a lot like salvation, doesn’t it?  Funny thing how Christians forget what brought them salvation in the first place when faced with daily life.

Disclaimer: I don’t understand everything.  I don’t know exactly how to live a life of surrender.  But I can begin by reminding myself again and again that God loves me unconditionally (John 3:16) and has forgiven me totally (Psalm 103:12), and that I am already free because God set me free when I accepted Jesus as Savior (John 8:36).  All that I do now is live in His love for me, trusting with all my heart that He has every tiny detail covered; there is nothing of insignificance to the Lord…“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered…” (Luke 12:7)

Lord Jesus, bring me back to the person You created me to be when You saved me.  A person saved by grace, totally dependent on You, with absolutely no reliance on myself or the things of this world.  Help me to know the Truth and surrender to the Truth so that I may live in the freedom that is already mine through Jesus Christ my Lord.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2